It is blog update time. Blogging about happy things is easy and fun. Blogging about my trials in this life is painful. I’m sure it is also therapeutic. I am an open book. I have no secrets. I have no shame. No one who has happily pooped in front of 10 people could have much shame left in them (never fear, more on that later). So, let me set the stage for this next chapter in my life. July 2009 I was recovering from a tummy tuck that gave me the ability to see my feet again. Anyone who is overweight, has had children, or even someone with a large bosom, can appreciate this major feat! I was feeling so excited about my future….getting ready to get "Klassical Kids", my private preschool music class up and running again and also resuming piano lessons. Both of these things are my passion!!! I missed my little students, I missed teaching, and I missed feeling like I was doing some extra good in the world by sharing my love of music. And quite frankly, time spent with children is such a happy thing. They are hilarious, sweet, honest, engaging, and a joy to be with. I was also ready to go shopping….resupply my wardrobe after losing all the weight. I was also looking forward to fun with my family….going to the mall, taking my girls to get manicures, go to some concerts, going on hikes, going on a TDY trip to Germany with Kevin, going on a cruise with my mom and some of my sisters. Oh my goodness….I had some amazing plans for the fall and I felt like I was getting the treat I deserved after all I had been through. It’s not that I felt I was owed anything, I was just so excited for the plans that were made and it was like obtaining the prize at the end of a long, long race.
My long, long race wasn’t over. All the plans I had made would be cancelled. Had I known then what I know now, I’m not sure I could have mentally handled the news. I don’t want to know the future. I need to have hope to get through each day. This past year has been the most trying year of my life. I concentrate in this blog on my personal issues. My daughters are old enough now that I don’t feel it fair to them to divulge the struggles of their lives. But, as any parent knows….our children are not immune to pain and suffering. 2 of my 3 daughters have ‘inherited’ fibromyalgia. (ok, technically, not ‘inherited’…but research does show that there is a strong genetic link with fibromyalgia). So, not only do I live with the daily torture of that dreaded disease….but 2 of my daughters do as well. As parents we would do anything to take away our children’s pain and suffering. Not only can I NOT take their pain away….I have to feel their suffering every day. I don’t sympathize with them. I empathize with them. It is one of a mother’s nightmares. It is a disease that is not seen by others. My daughters function and carry on and no one knows what courage and strength they have to face each day with happiness and joy. We can still smile, laugh, joke, walk, and carry on…..though inside we are just want to get things over with so we can get home and get truly comfortable. My children don’t want anyone’s pity. They have been given these trials to mold and shape them into the beautiful women Heavenly Father needs them to be. I see that happening already. Just thinking about them puts a smile on my face. So, sharing this information isn’t to ‘tell their secret’... it is to inform you that while I am going through my trials, I am continuing to be a mother and wife and obviously have to deal not only with my issues, but the issues of my family as well.
***A reminder that the italicized portions of my blog are taken from my personal journal.***
August 22, 2009…I started out the day looking at my sleeping husband…counting my blessings to have him in my life. I knew the rest of my day would be a challenge…it was going to be a ‘bad day’; filled with fibromyalgia pain and fatigue. A day of sleeping on the couch and not being hard on myself. And the blessings of the days…Holly came by with brownies and Paula came by with some yummy Arros con Pollo.
August 26, 2009…Okay, so I was wrong. I miss Kevin more than seems possible..even if he is just gone for a short while. He hid loves notes around the house for me to find. They made me cry tears of complete joy. He amazes me. I am a very blessed woman to have such a tender man. Today was a hard day. I did my annual CT scan (to check on any re-growths of the GIST ‘gastro-intestinal stromal tumor). After all the prep work and time to drive up to the Air Force Academy Hospital I received a call that I would have to redo the test because the dye went through me too quickly. Grrrr! Later today I saw Dr. C about my bowel issues. The lab did bloodwork and tomorrow I drop off my stool samples. I was just so worried today; imagining the worst, while trying hard not to. I am very emotionally drained. When Kevin called tonight I just bawled. His voice sounded so perfect. I just wanted him to be able to take me in his arms and make me feel safe. But, his voice did soothe me and bring me comfort.
September 1, 2009…Life dealt me a big blow yesterday. While at a doctor appointment with Dr. 'C' I learned that the Gastro-Intestinal Stromal Tumor had returned. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me…I still do. I hated to call Kevin and give him the news, but he was calm, supportive, and loving. I expected no less from him. I made a call to Mom, Lance, Tricia, and Paula….I couldn’t do anymore than that. My head is spinning with questions and wondering how simple or sever this is going to be. I feel asleep in Kevin’s arms…the best, warmest, and safest place in the entire world.
September 18, 2009…Surgery will be on Monday, finally. It felt like the day would never arrive. The last 2 weeks have dug on and on. My head and neck have been hurting the whole time. I guess I am more nervous and worried than I thought I was. Tawnya helped me so much on Tuesday. We went for a gentle hike up by Cheyenne Mountain. She taught me some yoga breathing and relaxation exercises. After spending that time with her I felt a calmness in my spirit that I hadn’t felt for quite some time. I have a ritual of picking ‘the perfect rock’ every time I go on a hike. I put a sticker on it and write down the date/place of hike….then I put it in my rock basket. I did go back and forth from teaching/geology as my major. Anyway, Tawnya helped me find the most perfect rock to add to my collection. Paula came over and made supper for us. I felt so overcome by her self-less act of love. I am scared. I do not doubt Heavenly Father’s love for me or His protection. I just hope I can endure what it to come. How bad am I going to feel? How much burden am I going to be placing on those that I love so dearly? They already do SO much for me. Last week Lance wrote some lyrics….especially for me. I immediately went to work and put them to music. How precious of him to do that for me. Again…I am surrounded by such love. I hate to be the cause of pain and worry for those I cherish so deeply. But, that is what is happening. There has got to be a reason for my suffering. I pray that I will know what it is so that I can accomplish it.
So, during these weeks I spent the majority of my time down in the basement (due to the horrid stress-induced migraine I was having constantly). I researched GISTumors. I did thorough research on the chemo drug, Gleevic, that is used to treat them. I printed off pages and pages of info to add to my medical binder so I would be prepared for the litany of side-effects that would plague me for the upcoming months. The surgery I had on September 24, 2009 up in Denver was an ‘exploratory abdominal surgery’. The purpose of it would be to go in, locate the tumor, and see how it was attached. It appeared to be attached to one of my kidneys, so the threat of losing a kidney was in the back of my head. Dr. S did let me know that during surgery there was a slight chance that he would be able to remove the tumor…so, if that positive situation arose, he would do that. But, I was prepared to just get news of the size of the tumor, how it was connected, what organs/section of my GI tract were effected, and wait for information about being transferred over to the cancer treatment center where I would begin the Gleevic treatment. A blessing to me during this time was music. It all began with an article I read (find the article at www.ldg.org September 2009 Ensign “Lessons from Liberty Jail” written by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland). As I read the article I felt inspired to use my time of trials to write music. I think that is how I endured the uncertainty, the lack of answers, and the fear. I let music be my refuge and sought God’s help as I wrote each song. I felt a strong connection to my Savior as I turned to the scriptures and prayed for inspiration regarding what my songs should be about. I am not professionally trained to write music. My sheet music would be thrown out by a college music professor. There is nothing technically correct about it other than the clef signs, key signature, and time signature. Lol. But, I knew that the important thing was to write it and then to share it. Facebook turned out to be the perfect medium in which to share my songs with others. I don’t know all who have listened to them. My hope was that if at least one person listened to them and gained any strength, hope, courage, faith, deepened testimony, etc…then it was all worth it. So, thus began my journey with writing music. My songs have all been written during extremely trying times. They all come from a brutally honest and personal place within me. They share my testimony of my Savior, Jesus Christ. (my videos are found on my Facebook profile page in the "Video" section....on the top of my profile page.)
The night before the surgery Kevin gave me a Priesthood blessing with consecrated oil for the healing of the sick. As stated in the New Testament James 5:14-15: “Is any sick among you? Let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord: And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up; and if he have committed sins, they shall be forgiven him.” I don’t remember all that was said in the blessing. I’m sure he’d blessed with me with, with the knowledge that the Lord loves me. What I do remember from that blessing are the words, “Your body will rid itself of the tumor”. I found comfort in that. Knowing that the chemo drug would work and that I would eventually be free of the scourge that tormented me.
The morning of the surgery is a blur to me. I had to be up in Denver by 6:00 am, which meant leaving the house by 4:30. I’m sure I didn’t get any sleep that night. Dear friends volunteered to watch over the girls and make sure they got to early morning seminary and school. After having 2 surgeries already that year….the tummy tuck and also a corrective breast surgery (not something I was thrilled to share the news with others at the time…but, gaining and losing excessive amounts of weight affect us everywhere on our bodies. I have great insurance, and I kept meticulous records regarding the negligent care I received as I was gaining weight on medication and was dismissed like an idiot every time I told the clinic I couldn’t stop gaining weight. I know, I am keeping it VERY real.). Ok, so the point was that I was no stranger to surgeries. This would be my 5th surgery and I knew the ins and outs of surgery, anesthesia, recovery room hysterics I experience, and so on. So, the surgery happened. I woke up crying hysterically to a strange man, who was unbelievably compassionate. He reminded me where I was, that the surgery was over, and that I would be seeing my husband in a few minutes. I tried to stay calm, but experienced the usual continuation of hyperventilating because I was crying. After becoming more alert and responsive I was taken to a more private room where Kevin was waiting for me. He informed me that my 40 minute surgery had taken over 3 hours. Dr. S couldn’t find the tumor anywhere. He brought in more surgeons to look and they carefully reviewed my imaging, and then back inside of me. What was clearly visible on the CT scan was nowhere to be found. I was stitched up, sent out to recovery, and scheduled to have a complete abdominal MRI a few weeks later just to double check. I should have been thrilled. Ecstatic over the fact that the surgeon didn’t find a tumor. But, I was left feeling confused, angry, hurt, cheated. What was the past month for? Why did I have to endure the fear and cause those who loved me to be so worried if there wasn’t really anything there? Why did I waste a month of my life with a migraine and emotional turmoil??? It seemed like a cruel joke. Like I was being taunted and teased by a schoolyard bully who is past feeling. I didn’t want to hear the “congratulations!” from people. I didn’t want to hear the “that’s wonderful news!” I had been traumatized. I thought I had cancer. I thought I was going to lose a kidney and spend the next year of my life experiencing horrible side effects from a chemo drug. I was beaten down. I asked God to help me understand what it was all for. I was not angry with God. He has been too good to me and has blessed me too richly to feel anger. And, I truly do understand the concept that we are here on the earth to prove our faithfulness at all times…not just during the good. Good things can happen to bad people and bad things can happen to good people. It is just life. But, I was emotionally spent. It was during a ‘conversation’ with God that I remembered the Priesthood blessing I had been given. “Your body will rid itself of the tumor”. I stopped in my tracks. I felt chills run through my body. I got it. I was a witness to one of God’s miracles. My Heavenly Father had just performed a miracle for ME. ME!!! The heavens ARE open. God DOES live. His son, Jesus Christ, is still our Savior and Redeemer. He still works miracles as He did when He lived on the earth nearly 2,000 years ago. Skeptics can ‘talk’ it away. They can work their way through it logically so that they can explain God and miracles out of it. But, I will have to stand before God one day and I will have to account for what I say and do. There is no doubt in my mind that, for whatever purpose, God performed a miracle in my behalf. He didn’t have to. He didn’t need to. But, He did. I will never forget that moment of realization. It would give me strength to press on and endure as I faced the challenges that would lie ahead.
A picture of the laproscopic surgery sites. They ended up getting infected a week after surgery, so I had to deal with the fever, aches, and pain of that. Once I got on antibiotics the healing process speeded up.
A preview of my next blog post:
September 27, 2009…It’s been almost a week since my surgery. I have an MRI scheduled on October 13 to make sure the tumor isn’t hiding out somewhere. There could be great cause to rejoice, but until I know for sure I will just stay even-keeled. I got to go home right after my surgery, which is exactly where I wanted to be. Later that afternoon I went to the bathroom and felt a large bulge in my rectal area as I wiped. My first thought was….’oh my gosh, the tumor is actually coming out of me!’ I took a picture of it and emailed my surgeon. He told to go to the ER immediately. It ended up being a rectal prolapsed. I wonder if it will ever stop. Am I just destined to continually suffer physically…jumping from one thing to another? I’ve had so many questions and wonder what I am supposed to gain from this. Kevin has been an incredible strength. He loves and cares for me in such a gentle way.
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