I feel impressed to share my story. It is about how a regular person with regular trials and adversity makes it through a regular life while still finding joy and happiness along the way.
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July 2002….this is probably the last time that I remember feeling physically well. I had energy to keep up with my 3 small children, serve in church callings, volunteer at school, walk 5 miles a day, go on date-nights with my husband, keep the house meticulously clean, enjoyed 3 hours of church each Sunday, didn’t ‘need’ a nap each day. My 6 ½ year-old daughter had just finished her 3 years of chemotherapy and I knew that a new phase of my life had just begun. I was certainly right about that.
This is me July 2002...I felt fabulous!
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October 2002
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November 2002
November 12 , 2002 : “The few weeks have found me struggling with feelings of depression. That is an emotion , or state of being, that I despise. It is lonely, dark, and leaves me feeling so empty. And I…I have everything good in my life. What do I have to be depressed over?”
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December 2002
On December 4, 2002 I saw a doctor at the Army Post hospital. It would be the first of numerous doctor visits that I was soon to be plagued with.
“Doctor is putting me on an anti-depressant. She wants to see me in 6 weeks to see how I’m doing. My prayers have been answered. When I went into the appointment this morning I had no idea I’d be leaving with any medication. But, I’ve tried and tried on my own to ‘fix’ my emotional/mental health. I am thankful to live in a time where medication is provided to help those who are struggling and ill. Depression is nothing to be ashamed of. My life is beautiful and lovely. I’m not less of a person because my body or mind produced different amounts of chemicals or causes me to feel certain ways. If this is the door Heavenly Father has opened for me…then I will walk through it with a happy heart.
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February 2003
The next bump in the road came a couple of months later. Thankfully I am a journal keeper. There is no way I could remember things in such detail if I didn’t have my record of what happened and what I was thinking at the time.
February 9, 2003…For the past few I’ve been feeling so drained. Totally exhausted to the point where I’d take the girls to school then I’d come home and go back to sleep. Last week both of my legs started aching and it’s never stopped. I went to the doctor yesterday and she thinks I have fibromyalgia. I’m still soaking in the news and looking back on the past months and everything seems to click now. It is good to know what’s been making me feel so exhausted and in pain. The good news is that this is what it is…no death sentence or organ failure…just pain. Hmmm, I thought it sounded better than that. I am suppose to exercise on a daily basis, eat a healthy diet, take medicine to help me sleep all night, and stretch daily. I don’t want to drown in self-pity. I want to be the one to overcome the odds and do what I’m suppose to do to make the best of this news. Sure, I’m disappointed. No one wants to be told they can expect a life of physical pain, but I believe if I do my part that the affects will be great. I feel we all have to expect times like this. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and I know He will help me through this. He has blessed me with so much.
February 12, 2003…This week is very challenging to me. Not just physically, but mentally as well. It is a time of accepting that my body has its limits and that I have to learn to work within those boundaries. If it was up to me I’d be lying in bed right now with the blinds down and 2 covers snuggling me tightly. But, all week I’ve been forcing myself to get up and press on through the day. I hate the feeling of being so exhausted when I haven’t even done anything. The pain is annoying. But, it’s the tiredness that gets me down. Since I don’t get much sleep at night I rise in the morning with the feeling in my body that it’s ready to sleep. But, in all honesty, I don’t question ‘why me?’. I mean…why not me?! I am just a person and I agreed to be here on earth. I am already very reliant upon the Lord and I can see how important it is to always be drawing closer to Him. So, I don’t look to this as a curse. But, that doesn’t mean it is easy. I hope that I can keep my attitude positive and not get discouraged. I think I’ll call Mom now. I could use a good cheering up!
February 16, 2003…My legs have been hurting so bad today. I laid down on my bed to relax this afternoon. That sort of helped. Then I rode my bike for 20 minutes. As the night’s grown on they hurt worse. How in the world am I going to keep on going like this? This is for real. No joke. It’s here to stay with me throughout this life. I keep thinking that I’ll wake up and it will just be gone. My coping level is only so high. God will surely help me the rest of the way. This is my prayer.
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March 2003
March 2, 2003…I think about how things in my life are right now and it is hard to not be overcome with despair. I want to smile and spread joy and happiness. This week I am going to work on radiating happiness. Just because I feel bad doesn’t mean I have to go around all sad. I can still do good in this world by helping others feel joyful.
March 7, 2003… Life…so good and joyful yet so full of struggles and character building times. This day has been amazing and at time absolutely horrendous. It’s like the adversary is right on my heels begging me to throw in the towel because I’ll never succeed or have the strength to make it through. Yet, my dear Savior has His arms open wide encouraging me on and sending me help when He sees me stumbling. I have got to keep my eyes on those outstretched arms.
March 19, 2003…My body is so tired and achy. The last few days have been harder…a lot of pain. It is so much tougher keeping up a good attitude when times are hard. But I’ve got to keep it together. I’ve got to lean on the Lord when all of my strength is gone.
March 25, 2003…my pain is severe today. The last 2 days I didn’t take my medicine. I was hurting and thought I’d rather hurt and get off the medicine if it’s not working. Well, I’m discovering that it does work. The pain without the medicine is too horrid. I feel pain from my neck to my toes. Mostly my legs, arms, and hand. And ouch…it is so bad tonight I am grateful for good medicine that helps my body. I am thankful to be able to laugh and smile and to really mean it.
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April 2003
Not realizing some of the side effects of different medications I was on, I experienced a rapid weight gain that was ignored by doctors for a year. I was so discouraged because I hurt so badly…and then I was growing out of my clothes. The phrase, ‘rubbing salt in a wound’ fit how I felt to a t!
April 13, 2003…I have been pretty bummed about gaining 20 pounds. It’s hard for me to get it together to lose weight again. I got so discouraged this evening after eating some ice cream that I went into the bathroom with the full intention of throwing it up. As I went into the bathroom I turned on the light, because it was dark in there. And then I heard a loud ‘pop’! The light bulb exploded. It was, to me, a show of love and concern from my Heavenly Father. He knows how long I struggled with bulimia before I got married. It was a powerful reminder to me that God loves all of His children and He is always mindful of what we are doing. My life is all the better because of the exploding light bulb. I will never forget that. I have faith that I will learn how to take better care of myself and that the Lord will give me strength where I lack it in order to accomplish this.
April 14, 2003…we are moving to Wright-Patterson Air Force Base in Ohio. Moving won’t come without tears. Our 4 ½ years here was a monumental time for my family. We met amazing people, we grew, bonded with our extended family, dealt with Sierra’s illness. Our family grew from baby girls to beautiful big girls. My life will always be divided by life before Sierra was diagnosed with leukemia and life after. It was the most life changing experience I’d ever endured. Sierra will go on to remember very little of it. But, it is forever engrained in my mind. I will never forget Sierra’s brave courage, the love and prayers of others, and such unselfish service extended to our family. My health has been very tolerable. Today my legs have been hurting more than usual. I see this is going to be a thing that comes and goes and is just a normal part of my life.
As a preface to the following journal entry…as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints we believe that God’s priesthood (the authority to act in God’s name) has been restored to the earth as it was when Christ was on the earth. Priesthood blessings are a tremendous gift given to those who are in need. As in the times of Christ, blessings work according to the recipients faith. I am grateful for each blessing I have received…the following entry tells of one of these experiences….
April 21, 2003… Kevin and Dad gave me a blessing yesterday. The blessing had a message of comfort…that the Holy Ghost would comfort me. I would be more compassionate towards other sisters because I had felt pain and discomfort personally. I was blessed with the ability to deal with it as I turned to the Lord. Blessings are so special. It gives me a peaceful feeling to know that my husband can do that for me.
April 27, 2003…I started running on Monday…a dream of mine. I started out running 30 seconds/walking 30 seconds for 1.2 miles. By Saturday I ran it straight through! My body feels good and I’ve had no new aches or pains because of it.
Kevin and I at the Army Ball in April of 2003
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May 2003
May 2, 2003…This had been a hard physically. My legs ache and are on fire. I took a muscle relaxer on top of my normal stuff to try to get some relief. The pain is so constant and after awhile it really affects my nerves. I can cope with so much pain until I break. I say lots of little prayers to get me through. If I wasn’t going through this myself I’d have to idea how bad pain could be. I wish it could just go away. But this is when I have to say, “Buck up, Betsy. You can do it!” There is so much good to focus on and that helps me through these low points.
May 4, 2003…My legs are feeling better today. Yesterday was hard. I feel so nerve-shot and easily aggravated. But, I am thankful for the comfort I receive from my Heavenly Father.
May 9, 2003…I got a call from the hospital today. The blood work I had done on Wednesday showed my white blood count as 3.9. They want me to redo it in 6 weeks. My heel has been hurting me so badly.
May 18, 2003…Being a ‘single parent’ while Kevin is away is so tough. The girls have been good. They all have their moments, and when they do, it is very frustrating. In the end everything gets worked out and peace prevails….and then I’m left emotionally zapped!
May 21, 2003...Monday and Tuesday mornings I spent at Caryn’s house. She is having a bad episode with lupus right now. She is so weak and in so much pain. It was the very least I could do to go over, keep her company, and do a little cleaning up. Considering she has 7 children, things looked really good. She is so tiny and frail; and with not being able to eat and keep anything down it’s been so hard. I love Caryn so much. I hated to leave her each day…like I was deserting her. But she has a good family. Caryn makes me smile and laugh. She keeps her chin up when anyone else would be understandably distraught. She is so kind and gentle. Such a naturally soft-hearted person. My personal struggles seem so manageable. As I write, my hand and up through my arm hurt. I have to stop and rest it. But, how thankful I am to have good use of my body. To know pain from pleasure…I love this body. I have abused it horribly in the past. I looked at it and was so sickened by what I saw. I’ve repented for those times. I hurt my body by starving it of food, by over-exercising, and by binging and purging. I don’t beat myself up for ‘what could have been’, but I desire to start fresh and focus on ‘what is to be’. I am reading a book called, “Breaking Free From Compulsive Eating”. It was exactly what I needed at this time in my life. It’s time to learn why I eat so compulsively, get a grip on it, and develop great feelings inside. Tonight I wanted to eat some chocolate….eat tonight and starve tomorrow. Then I thought about what I had read and I wondered why I really wanted chocolate. What would I rather have? I am lonely. I really want Kevin. I need someone to talk to. So, since I can’t talk to Kevin I decided to write in my journal. The techniques that I’ve learned so far are so simple, but they are changing my attitude.
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June 2003
June 25, 2003…Life has been so busy, but so good. I’ve had a sinus infection, massive pain from my feet, a flare-up with my legs, and a lot of nausea. I’ve been busy packing boxes and getting things ready for our move.
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August 2003
August 23, 2003…This has been a week of healing…body and mind. I’ve rested my foot a lot and iced it. That is helping. I stopped taking the Pamelor. I was always so tired and obsessed with sleep. The past couple of days I haven’t had the overwhelming tiredness. My new doctor is going to run some tests on me to try to get to the bottom of my health issues. She is not sure that I have fibromyalgia. In the blessing Kevin gave me at Easter he reminded me that I learn empathy for others from the things that I experience. I really do want to make others feel good, to give them a listening ear, and to let them know that someone cares.
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September 2003
September 18, 2003…Let me start out by saying that I have a very sweet life. The blessings are poured out so abundantly that I can’t catch them all. I have the perfect family, friends so dear, talents to enjoy and share. And yet, my heart is heavy and empty of the joy it should feel. This is depression. How did I get here? How do I get out of here? Tomorrow I have a doctor appointment about my pain. Hopefully they can change my anti-depressant so I will start feeling better again. The cause for this depression is obvious to me…my pain in my feet and my legs. It’s been so hard to fight. I am so worn out now. I hate feeling this way. It is a burden to me and then I put a burden upon my family.
September 22, 2003…Well, the Lord has certainly blessed me during this time in my life. He is opening the way for me to receive the medical treatment and help I need to get to the bottom of my troubles. In the next weeks I will be having quite a number of doctor appointments. Bio-feedback, pain support group, psychiatry for medication, meeting with my therapist, and a sleep study. It will all be worth it.
September 24, 2003…Fall is here. I love it. The window is open and I hear the wind whistling. I love that sound. I continue to struggle with my depression. As I was telling Theresa on the phone today, I have sunk so far down this time that I am struggling to climb out of the valley. I cried to her and she listened. I love her so much. She reminded me of how important it is for us to do God’s work and to do good in the world.
September 28, 2003…My mind is drawing a blank. I’ve been staring at this page for at least 5 minutes. I am fasting today. I am putting my trust in Heavenly Father that a sincere monthly fast will give me that extra strength that can be had by no other means. I don’t like being a worry to those that I love; and that is the case. Kevin is worried about me and does everything he can to bring me cheer. Am I not seeking Divine help in this? Am I trying to go it alone? There is no way I can. I’m thinking that I have so much that I need to do. How do I make it through this trial having been good and faithful? How do I keep up a loving and cheerful attitude when I feel so spent? I know my problems are nothing compared to the terrible pains others go through. But, this is what I have to deal with. I can’t walk far without pain. No exercise walks. I can’t even stroll through the mall without feeling uncomfortable. This is so discouraging. I obviously have things to learn from this.
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October 2003
October 16, 2003…The clouds of darkness have lifted. Mentally I feel like myself again. I am thankful that I didn’t have to stay in that awful state I was in for too long. The Lord pulled me through. Though I tried to do my part, I am afraid that I was a lot of dead weight. My pain has not diminished. The pain in my feet is so intense. But the Lord has allowed me to see this with new eyes. I have set new limits for myself and am trying not to put myself down for what I can’t do. I have been motivated by Kevin. He is such an amazing man As I’ve been flopping around like a fish out of water he has been ever faithful with morning scripture study, school work, and his church calling. Blessing are pouring into his life because of his faith. Through this experience in my life I have seen many weaknesses in myself as I’ve had much time to think. I don’t want to be judgmental…and I have been. I didn’t think I was, but many thoughts of mine have been so uncalled for. I’m grateful that the Lord has shown me my errors. I want to surrender all to the Lord. There is no way you can go wrong when you put 100% of your faith in Christ. I don’t know why I doubt and fumble around blindly. I know that my Savior is there to lead me back to my Heavenly Father.
October 19, 2003…Mom called today. I was glad that I could share the good news that at least I am happy. That is a huge deal to me. The road ahead is long; if I look at it that way I am not so sure how I feel. So, I will look at my life more on a day by day basis. That seems more manageable. Kevin has done such nice things for me. He wiped down our bathroom sink. He also did the dishes tonight. That may seem small, but I’ve been trying to get to that bathroom sink for 2 weeks now! I love his tender acts of service and the sweet way he treats me. The girls performed a musical for me tonight that they had made up. It was about Heidi wanting to be a newspaper reporter. They are such clever girls with the things that they come up with!
October 26, 2003…It’s 11 in the morning and I am still in bed. It is a cold and rainy day. A good fall day. Unfortunately I think that the weather is causing me some extra pain. My legs and ankles have hurt so much the past few days. Today I decided it would be best to stay off my feet. The girls have been angels. They have gotten along so sweetly. They made me lunch (at 10:00 a.m.) which included chicken noodle soup and chocolate pudding. Heidi made me a card. Now they are downstairs cleaning up. Lily the puppy is in bed with me chewing on a bone. Kevin just got home from a church meeting. I feel love and peace in my home. I am so happy.
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November 2003
November 15, 2003…I have been having some achy days these past few weeks. It seems to be easing up a bit now. Some days I get the bare minimum done; and I have found that I am becoming okay with that. Who wants to go full speed all the time anyway?! Not me ; ) Counting my blessings each day has given me a lot to go on.
November 20, 2003…My pain is a faithful companion. What a bummer! My capacity to cope is wearing thin. I don’t want to fall into another deep pit of depression. I want to scream and cry. For some reason I feel so isolated. Maybe it is my thinking that no one wants to hear me complaining and I don’t want to turn into a sob story. Inside I feel like I am climbing the walls and it is a terrible feeling. I thought I should write down some good things in my life to help me see what I have to rejoice in: Kevin, my daughters, my puppy, my family, talking on the phone with Mom, Amber coming over with cookies tonight, my ‘date’ with Kevin, my bedroom is clean, I’m reading a good book, I’ve been praying more, my family is healthy, and Kevin is done with his finals. My prayer is to be whole again. I want to live without constant pain. I don’t want to feel old and broke at 33. What will I feel like 5 years from now? 10 years? A blessing I received said that I must accept the dark times in my life as part of the education I was sent to earth to receive. I need to be firm and faithful because out of these times will come special blessings. Why do I ever doubt the Lord? I know that He will take care of me. It is just hard because I hurt so much.
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December 2003
December 4, 2003…I am waiting for church to start. It is our first snowy day; a fabulous day to be inside! It is a struggle being here today. I am just so tired that I can hardly keep my eyes open. My body is so achy. I’m praying that the Lord will sustain me through this day. I want to be here. I really do. It is just that laying in bed sounds so good!
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January 2004
January 8, 2004…Through my physical trials the Lord is providing for me and comforting me. I do what I can. Yesterday I never got out of my pj’s. Today I wore make-up. So, each day will be different; I will accept it as it comes. Kevin and the girls are what I gauge myself by. Yesterday Mom told me to save the best of myself for my family. That years from now I won’t recall if my house was clean or dirty; but that I would reflect on the time spent with loved ones.
January 8, 2004…It was a very rough day in respect to being so tired. I got a few hours of sleep last night. That left me struggling. But, God watches over me. Heidi and watched, “Jumanji” then played with paper dolls, house, school, then we had lunch. We laid a blanket out to sit on and had an indoor picnic while watching, “Clifford”. I am grateful for this precious time with her. She is so much fun. Sierra has been trying extra hard to be good and kind. She is so sweet to me. I love when she hangs out in the kitchen with me while I’m cooking and we chit-chat. Tonight I sat on the edge of Kirsten’s bed and rubbed her face and hair. I told her how much I loved her and was proud of her. I apologized for having been so cranky all day…that it was not her fault; that I just felt so yucky.
January 10, 2004…I am extremely sleep deprived right now. I have gone days without good consistent sleep for days. My body has been dizzy all day. Everything seems so surreal. I need a good night’s rest or I fear I will just lose it completely. The extra love from my family was dearly appreciated today.
January 16, 2004…Sleep continues to be something I almost dread. Between pain and the lack of sleep as I look back on my days I don’t know how I am doing it. Heavenly Father is so near. I am making it because of Him. On my own I’d be stuck in bed bawling all day long.
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March 2004
March 9, 2004…Nearly 2 months have gone by. With new medication help the aching in my legs and Tylenol PM to help my sleep…I have been feeling a lot better on a daily basis. I have seen a nutritionist and I met a few times with a behavioral health medicine doctor. I weigh 200 pounds. A year ago I was at 145. It’s been a very hard year dealing with all of these new health issues. Now I am ready to develop the new me. I started going to the gym last week…which was a very scary move.
March 18, 2004…Matthew 11:28 “Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” This scripture was running through my head tonight like a loud siren. I’ve struggled and am so tired. I opened my scriptures and read this verse and poured out my heart to Heavenly Father. I come unto Him and seek His rest. He will show me the way.
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April 2004
April 5, 2004…The girls and I are in Indiana visiting family for Spring Break. After the drive here I was totally depleted of energy. My body has been so achy and feeling so bad. But, I woke up this morning filled with peace and hope. Elizabeth gave me this picture last night. The one of the right was taken June 2002 before I started feeling poorly. The other was taken September 2003. When I saw these pictures I was floored. I can see the difference in my face; a pained, heavy look.
April 7, 2004…I am grateful for my family. They are the reason I live and breathe. I couldn’t imagine an existence without them in it. Heavenly Father’s plan is perfect. I know that we can be together eternally. Kevin is everything to me. He is the half of me I can’t live without. I miss him even more than I thought possible. All I can think of is seeing him on Friday and being together with our girls as a family.
April 17, 2004…I am tired, sore, and a little depressed. I am struggling physically and emotionally. I realize that I am not free of pain. I just want to deal with things better. The Lord has been so good to me. I want to be grateful.
April 27, 2004…I am thankful for Kristine, Lynette, and my visiting teacher, Bethany. The past couple of weeks have been painful. The last 5 or 6 days have been even worse. My lower legs and ankles are on fire with pain. My body aches and feels so run down. I have faith that this will get easier for me to handle. I know that my Father hasn’t left me alone. But it is still hard. I want my body to do what my mind wants it to do. My mind feels young, free, crazy! I want to hike up mountains, shop all day, take longs walks, and have fun doing things with Kevin.
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May 2004
May 4, 2004…My head is so full of thoughts as I watch my girls swimming at swim team practice. I am so grateful for their health and for what their bodies allow them to do. To think of all Sierra’s been through in her life; it is a miracle to see her out in the water. Kirsten is so beautiful and confidant in the water. Kristen just mouthed ‘I love you’ as she glided by doing the kick board. I needed that! I don’t want to feel sorry for myself. I hate when the pain is so consuming. It continues to be a huge battle I am fighting. I set my goal to make it through the day; and that way I am not quite as overwhelmed. I feel like I am functioning just enough to make it through the day. I wonder to myself ‘is this it?’ What is now the purpose of my life? ‘Fun’ as I knew it isn’t much of an option anymore. Yet I do enjoy my family and some time with my friends. I know I must show the Lord I will endure well and be faithful in the face of my trials. I will be faithful and true…that I know as a surety. My question is…how do I have fun experiences and stay young at heart when I feel so tired, achy, and run down? What is my personal goal/motivation going to be? There has to be something to set my sights on. Something to work towards. Right now I am just barely surviving each day. I live for my family; that I can help make it a happy day for them. That is my biggest goal each day. For now, that is enough.
May 11, 2004…What would I do without my sweet Heidi being so patient with me in the morning as I lie on the couch? She eats her snack as we watch shows together. Around 11 she turned off the tv and told me it was time to play. Who else could get me up but one of my girls? When I don’t think I have the strength to do something, I think of my children and they give me the motivation to get out of bed and to be there for them. My patience can wear thin at times so I am extra thankful for how patient my girls are with me. Amber called last night just wanting to tell me how much she thinks of me and that she wants to help me. I am so blessed by my friends….Kristine, Lynette, Amber. They are true blessings. On a grosser note….I’ve been having mucus and blood in my stool. I have an appointment later this month to check on it. Kevin doesn’t want me to have to wait that long. I am in God’s hands.
May 18, 2004…Kirsten had field day and ran in some races. She came home tanned and tired! Sierra said a bad word at school. She told me that she said a prayer in her mind after it slipped out to tell Heavenly Father that she was sorry. This morning Heidi and I went to the park. We played ‘pioneer’. We gather wood for a fire. It was quite fun! Kevin is always here to cheer me on.
May 24, 2004…Mom told me today that I’m going to have to keep holding on strong until we figure out what is wrong with me. I am mentally exhausted and physically tired. I had a check-up and PA McCartar put in a referral for me to see endocrinology. It was a fight to get it. He started going on about diet and exercise. I told him to just give me the referral. I started crying and kept on crying for an hour. He told me he was sorry when he left the room. But, I was just so upset by that point. Kristine had helped the girls get ready for school so she was waiting at the house with Heidi when I got back. I cried to her and she listened so sweetly. She is a blessing. Bethany and Anna brought over supper. It was such a relief to not have to worry about fixing a meal. I am blessed all the way around. The lesson learned from today is to fight hard for what you need. Sometimes I want to say ‘forget it!’ But, I know all the tears, work, and doctor visits will one day pay off.
May 26, 2004…Kristine and I are growing so close. We call each other throughout the day to seek advise and chat. Lynette came by to visit me this afternoon. She is always to fun to be around. We are so different, yet have a wonderful sweet friendship.
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June 2004
June 3, 2004…The past weeks have been so trying and physically hard. After more test it is looking like I may actually have fibromyalgia after all. I so don’t want it, but I will work with it the best I can.
June 14, 2004…I love having Kevin and the girls home with me. The house is full of love and sweet (but LOUD) sounds! Kevin went with me on a walk tonight. It was a painful walk that lasted 20 minutes. I consider it physical therapy. It was not fun.
June 21, 2004…My weight has skyrocketed to nearly 230 pounds. Now that I am realizing that I probably do have fibromyalgia, I am ready to move onward with my life. Sometimes, usually, I feel so old and frumpy. I want to feel alive again. I want to enjoy my life to the fullest. Will I ever be able to do that?
June 23, 2004…I had my colonoscopy today. Last night was the roughest part…drinking the salty junk. Bu morning I was so sore and weak. Lynette watched the girls and Kevin took me. Everything went well. I do have colitis…which they may give me medicine for. And there was evidence of Irritable Bowel Syndrome. The day was spent sleeping and being with my sweet family. Last night the girls made me a card because they were so sorry for all the pain I was in. Kevin was also amazing and such a comfort.
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July 2004
July 18, 2004…How can I use my talents to build up the kingdom of God?
July 22, 2004…Maybe writing will help me. I feel so sick...constant headache for the past few weeks, nausea, achy, dizzy, ancy. All I can think of is laying down and curling up in a ball. Nothing seems to relieve my discomfort. Distractions are my best therapy. I feel miserable but I am so thankful to have so much good in my life.
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August 2004
August 1, 2004…Heidi said she would give me a kiss and a hug if I made her chocolate milk. I told her to do it by herself and she was not pleased with me. But later, out of the blue, she gave me a big kiss and hug and told me I could have them anyway. Kirsten made a chart to remind her of how to budget her money. She was excited to show me and I was happy to see it. Sierra helped me get supper ready. She helped me cook the chicken for the friend rice. I’m glad she is so fun to work with and that she has a willing heart.
August 3, 2004…Today I had a doctor appointment and saw a doctor who really cared. He ordered more tests for me and was genuinely concerned.
August 8, 2004…Headache is still with me. I was sent to the ER Friday and got checked out. They said it was just a bad tension headache. I know that lots of prayers have been sent my way. They are sustaining me right now. Kristine brought us amazing dessert tonight and showed us pictures of baby Jacob…who now weighs 3.4 pounds! I am thankful for good friends and my family who are so good to me. My mom has listened to me over and over again. I love her so much. I am grateful that Kevin is here. And that he is understanding and comforting to me. Kirsten cleaned the kitchen today. Heidi brought me water and propped up a pillow for me. Sierra showered me with lots of hugs.
August 10, 2004…I went to see Dr Oterro yesterday. He gave me some new medicine for my head and put in a consult to neurology. I am not sure what to think….tension headache or brain tumor? As I prayed late last night I put it in Heavenly Father’s hands. Whatever it is, I will get through it. I just asked that if it was something serious that I would be prepared to deal with it. My children are a huge blessing. It is for them that I get dressed in the morning. I want to be a good example to them of a woman with faith and courage; living my best even when things are hard. Kevin continues to be a dear, uncomplaining and loving man. I continue to grow in my feelings for him beyond what I can even comprehend. Kristine watched the girls for me yesterday while I went to the doctors. She is so good my children. She gave me a scripture verse printed on a little card (Doctrine & Covenants 78:18). I hope I can always see the beauty in the things around me in spite of the pain I feel.
August 14, 2004…My newest of medicines, given to me a few days ago, are helping a lot. It is taking the edge off of my aches and allowing me to be up and functioning a little more. Kevin gave me a blessing of comfort on Thursday. In it he said that the Lord knows of my pain. That it is for a purpose. Okay, wow! I can go forward in faith renewed after that. Kristine has been an angel. My visiting teacher, Bethany, has been so faithful. Wednesday night, a horrible night, she shows up at my house with a plate of cookies. They she brought us dinner on Thursday. Our neighbor, Rebecca, brought us banana bread yesterday. Lynette has come to visit and has been a big comfort to me. Kristine called one evening to tell me to look at the beautiful sunset. Heavenly Father knew we would be uplifted by such a spectacular sight. I am being blessed with the opportunity to look around me and see how richly my family and I are blessed.
August 15, 2004…Heidi is reading the scriptures to me and Kevin right now…about the creation. Sierra and Kirsten are playing a computer game together. Sundays in our home is the best day. When we get home from church we cherish our time together…naps, quiet shows, looking at scrapbooks. A day together without the world telling us what to do. The girls just came in our room and made a ‘bed’ on our floor. We giggled, talked, and now it is totally quiet. I don’t want to go to sleep. I want to savor these moments of true contentment.
August 16, 2004…Kirsten gave the Family Home Evening lesson on baptism. I am so happy I’ve been loving my time with the scriptures. Now I am seeing my daughters reading and loving them as well. I couldn’t be any happier than I am at the very moment. Kevin is laying peacefully beside me. Lily is laying at my feet. I am sure of my Savior’s love. All is well for the moment.
August 31, 2004…On August 20 I saw Dr. Edminstone. He was an answer to many, many prayers. In a nutshell, he looked through my record and was stunned by all I have been put through. He said that I need to get off all the meds and stay far away from that hospital. The Wellbutrin a doctor had given me to help me lose weight was the reason for the horrid and debilitating headaches I had been having for the past 2 months. My anti-depressant, Celexa, had been the cause of my weight gain. And then he went on to say that the Klonopin was too strong and harsh of a medicine for me to be on. I explained my situation and he is going to help me get this as cleared up as possible. I cried for joy all the way home. The last 9 days have been very difficult. Withdrawal is a horrible thing, but hope of a better life is helping to sustain me. I’ve felt like I’ve had the worst flu ever. And now that it is tapering down, I’m just very irritable. But, I know I will get through this. Friends and family have been so tender and caring. Kevin has been always understanding and loving.
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September 2004
September 5, 2004…I’m hanging out in Primary while sharing time is going on…waiting for music time to start. This week has been such a mental challenge. My emotions go from ok to feeling like I am so down that I can’t get back up. Going cold-turkey off of my meds is the culprit. Friday I have a check-up. I hope it gets me somewhere. I have prayed, studied, sang…I’m up, I’m down. I get more down when I’m sad because I feel it goes against how I should be feeling. But I know that Heavenly Father knows my heart. He knows how hard I am trying to stay upbeat and to not despair. I read an Ensign article from Ezra Taft Benson called, “Do Not Despair”. It had 12 things to do to help in times of depression. Last night as I was playing the piano it hit me. That it would be awesome to write songs to go along with those 12 ‘steps’. I prayed about it and it feels like it’s a good place to start in getting over the hump in my life. I want peaceful and uplifting music to help me rise above. I’d call the cd, “Do Not Despair”. Anyways, it’s a thought and I am very serious about this endeavor.
September 7, 2004…Kristine and I went for a walk today. We talk a lot about my idea to write songs. We are going to do something about it. I cannot and will not deny that this is something that I need to do. I will do what I need to do with my talents.
September 30, 2004…Kristine and I finished our fourth song today. It was on the subject of health and fasting. We pray for the Lord to guide us as we write and create. And He does. There is no way we could do this otherwise. We called our moms and sang the song for them. They both reacted the same way…by crying. My mom loved the first line, ‘my body is a gift from God’. We also got to sing for Elizabeth. She said it was so beautiful….’platinum’ she said. I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster and Kevin has been riding it with me. I’m so sorry to drag him along. But he is so loving. The pain in my body has been bad and I’ve let it overcome me and cause me to feel such despair. I know the adversary is working so hard. I feel like I am so very close to resolving health issues and moving on to a wonderful stage in my life. I will follow Christ. I will turn to Him always and cast my burdens at His feet.
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October 2004
October 12, 2004…I just finished my doctor appointment with Dr. Edminston. I am so frustrated and confused. I broke down in his office and he said it sounded like I needed to get back on an anti-depressant. That made me so mad that I could’ve screamed. He explained that pain increases depression and depression increases pain. That made sense to me. I don’t want to go back on more medicine. I’m afraid of what it will do. I will have to trust God.
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November 2004
November 9, 2004…In the past month Jill, Devan and Christian came to visit. The next week Mom, Elizabeth and Katelynn came to visit. That same week Kristine and I did our “Do Not Despair” presentation at Enrichment Night for the ladies at church. Wow. What an incredible spiritual experience it was. Last week Chuck and Dagmar came to visit. Kevin had his Major promotion ceremony. I got sick with strep throat. It’s been a busy month….and I turned 34.
November 10, 2004…It is amazing how much my life has changed in the past few weeks. I am not quite so burdened with the pain. I am on Celebrex for joint and arthritis pain. It is working really well. The medicine for my legs helps me at night. My feet are feeling good. It is like having a part of my life back. My experiences have been life changing. Always having had good heath, all of my ailments are so eye-opening. I’ve also learned to not judge people. You cannot judge someone for what they can’t do if you don’t know exactly where are mentally and physically. My life and body are gifts from God. I will try my hardest to are well for it.
November 23, 2004…My legs started hurting me terribly last night. They kept me wake. That is something I will have to live with on and off, I suppose. I’m thankful for the many good days I’ve enjoyed this fall. The area I am concerned about is my weight. I so want to lose all of this weight, though I am feeling discouraged. I seems like when I start to worry about my weight, then it is hard to stop eating. I’m just tired of being overweight. It is so uncomfortable. Sometimes I feel like a prisoner in my own body. I am limited, and that stinks.
With my mama on Thanksgiving day....she is such a wonderful woman.
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December 2004
December 26, 2004…Christmas day was fun. The girls really enjoyed themselves. The day was all about being the family and enjoying each other. I am completely wiped out. My body aches horribly from the cold. I am ready to take a couple of days and do nothing so I can bounce back.
Kevin has always been crazy about me...even here, looking out of shape and having put on a considerable amount of weight. He loves ME. He thinks I am beautiful and he has always treated me with the utmost respect.
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January 2005
January 1, 2005…I anticipate a year of healing; physically and emotionally from the ups and downs of the past 2 years.
January 9, 2005…Physically feeling tired of being achy. I’m trying to keep a good attitude and not let it bring me down. It can be extremely hard. I am so thankful for my good family. They make it bearable.
January 23, 2005…On Wednesday I had a doctor appointment that went horribly. I just flew off at PA Martilla. She had been deployed for 6 months and hadn’t know all that I had gone through in her absence. I told her that I wanted to get to the bottom of my pain. She told me that my weight was causing my pain. I took a pictures out of my purse….pictures of me at various stages of my life (and I have always been thin or reasonably in descent shape). I showed her pictures of me when I first started having the pain…and I was thin and in awesome shape. And that it was the medicine that had caused the weight gain. I got so heated by her response that I lashed out in my defense; talking in a very loud voice and then breaking into tears. But, at the end of it all I got my referral to rheumatology. Why did it have to be that hard. She told me that I don’t want ‘fibromyalgia’ as a diagnoses in my chart. I said, ‘why? Will it take the pain away if it is not written down?’ She was quiet after that. She wouldn’t give me any pain medication. But she suggested that I consider gastric by-pass surgery. Go figure. She won’t give me medicine for my pain, but she was okay with a surgeon taking out half of my stomach??? It just didn’t make sense to me. Since the appointment my stomach has been in knots and I’ve been down mentally. She said, “In defense of the medical community, I’d have to say that rheumatology will take one look at you and say your weight is the problem. They see this all the time.” Unfortunately my weight has become my major issue. At least that is what the doctors see.
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February 2005
February 8, 2005…I am a bit more tired than usual.
February 9, 2005…It is turning colder outside; rainy, even some snowflakes. My body is achy; hands, upper legs, lower back of head. So worn out. I have to keep a log of how my body is feeling so I can refer back to it later to see if there is any pattern to my pain. This has definitely been a physically hard day.
February 10, 2005…Hands, fingers, arms hurt terribly as do my legs. It hurts my head and neck to look sideways for any length of time.
February 14, 2005…I feel so loved and have so many people to love. That is the priceless gift. My relationship with Kevin is so uplifting and encouraging to me. These past days have been so painful. I just want a few days to do absolutely nothing, but it doesn’t seem like I can find the time to relax. Sometimes I don’t know if I can keep up the strength. It can be so hard. I dream of the day when my body will be perfected. I will work hard for that day when I can stand before my maker knowing I gave everything I had to serve and hone Him. That is the kind of life I want to live.
February 15, 2005…After I wrote in my journal last night I had a good cry to Kevin. He listened so sweetly. Today and tomorrow the plan is to lie low, do as little as possible, and take it easy. It is so important to take care of myself so I can be there for my family
February 17, 2005…This morning I spent my time visiting friends. I felt the need and desire to be surrounded by these great people in my life. It is easy to be self-centered when you deal with chronic pain…it is so consuming. I don’t want to close myself up. It’s not a good life. Don’t get me wrong, I love and need alone time. But, I want I want to be active in life. Kristine is a great example of a woman full of love and compassion for others. I am thankful for the influence she has on me.
February 20, 2005…Last night I was just so worn out. I went to bed early. Heidi came in carrying a tray with water, grapes, an orange, and an apple. The she got a cool cloth to put on my head. After that she put lotion on me. She is so compassionate and tender.
February 21, 2005…Everyone was home from school in honor of President’s Day. I’ve had a hard time shaking off an irritable mood today. I’ve felt extremely over-stimulated and easily agitated. I don’t like feeling that way. I feel much calmer now and am ready for some good sleep.
February 22, 2005…Sierra was home with a fever and sore throat. I was having major tummy trouble. It left me feeling so exhausted and sore. Right now my body feels very uncomfortable and ancy.
February 27, 2005…What a week! Sierra is doing better, no more fever. My stomach feels a lot better. Irritable Bowel Syndrome can be rough at times. My back is out now; the S.I. joint….same as always when it goes out. Tonight Kevin had to take me to the ER. I ran out of muscle relaxers and I could hardly move. They gave me 2 shots and some medicine to take home. I am thankful Kevin could take me. He is such a comfort to me. I love him so much.
February 28, 2005…Sierra was in charge of our Family Home Evening lesson. We played ‘scripture jeopardy’. She made up all the questions using her scriptures. She did a great job. My back is in bad shape. Hopefully it will calm down soon. Mom called to check on me. I really appreciated that.
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March 2005
March 3, 2005…My back is feeling much better. It is still achy, but it isn’t spasming up anymore. Kevin and I are both sick. The girls have been extra tender and loving, which helps so much.
At a get-together with the other military wives on the street. I remember felling so horrible that night, but I sucked it up so I could be with my sweet friends. Putting on those clothes was pretty much tortorous!
Our family mini-vacation to Kirtland, Ohio.
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April 2005
April 14, 2005…The doctor gave me medicine for my stomach, for acid reflux. We will do an elimination process to see what works.
April 22, 2005…I had an ultrasound yesterday to check for gallbladder trouble.
April 26, 2005…Kevin took me to my rheumatology appointment. Dr. Kahn was nice. She ordered labs and x-rays.
April 28, 2005…Today I’ve been down and out with a horrible headache. I appreciate how the girls are so good to play and do their work without my help. Kevin came home at supper-time and decided to not go back to work. We all cheered. School is so time consuming for him. But, he is so faithful to the Lord, and he is being blessed for that.
Easter Sunday...stayed home from church because I felt so horrible.
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May 2005
May 1, 2005…Heidi just made Kevin and I some toast. She also gave Lily a bath and tidied up the kitchen. She said, “I hope when I grow up my children will do this for me.”
May 3, 2005…Temperatures in the low 40’s and my body is aching. It is even sensitive to the touch. I spent the morning doing blood work and x-rays at the base hospital. Then I went grocery shopping at the commissary.
May 4, 2005…My body is tired and achy. I can’t wait until my next doctor appointment. I want the results for labs and her advise on how to cope. Then I will be ready to move on with my exercise program.
May 9, 2005…Bad headache. Hoping it’s not from my new medicine, because it is really working.
May 11, 2005…I’ve been doing as little as possible; yucky headache.
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June 2005
June 5, 2005…Yesterday Sierra wanted to do something ‘creative’ with me. I wasn’t up to doing much besides laying down. But, I had supper preparation to do and Sierra loves to cook. She talked excitedly about the Second Coming, teaching her children about modesty, and about other gospel topics. We had a sweet time together sharing things that matter most. That was the highlight of my day.
June 7, 2005…My stomach has been a mess with acid reflux. A new arthritis medicine was hurting me so bad. Hopefully in a few days I will be back to normal. I realize my body will have these little kinks along the way and I just have to slow down and give my body the care and rest it needs. July 14, 2005…Kevin took me to my gastro-intestinal appointment. Wednesday I will get an upper GI done to find out what is causing my stomach pain.
Newport Aquarium
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July 2005
July 19, 2005…Yesterday afternoon I went to Kristine’s to make a skirt. Before I finished with the waistband I decided to put it on and figure out how much elastic I really needed. Well, it wouldn’t fit over my hips. I was bummed, but Kristine said, “No biggie. Just slip it over your head.” I got it on, but there was no way it was going to fit down over my hips. I pulled it back over my head, sat there for few seconds, then just couldn’t help the tears from falling. Immediately Kristine came over to me and held me while I cried. We went into the living room and had a great talk. Being overweight is an outward reminder of my pain and fatigue. The girls were watching home videos with their friend. The friend kept saying how pretty I use to be and that now I am ‘this wide’ (arms stretched out far). It hurt Kirsten so badly for me. She told the friend, “I’ve already told you why my mom gained weight.” My sweet angel girl was defending me and I will never forget such true devotion. Anyway, when the skirt didn’t fit it was like a slap in the face. Feeling constant pain and fatigue it’s a challenge feeling womanly and feminine. The skirt was a silk with pink flowers…you don’t get more feminine than that. I’m trying to remind myself that I am all woman. A woman comes in many packages and with many different working parts. I can be overweight, hurting, tired, limited physically AND be feminine, nurturing and romantic.
July 26, 2005…I’m in Indiana visiting family. It has been non-stop since I got here. My father is gravely ill and in the hospital. After seeing him in such a reduced state left me feeling so heavy inside. He is like a helpless baby. I am so tired. I simply can’t think anymore.
July 28, 2005…Today my father died. Susan and Jill and I were there with his wife. He left this earth very peacefully. I am more exhausted than can be expressed. My mind is so full. My thoughts are so jumbled.
At the Air Force Museum at Wright-Patterson AFB with my father, Larry Allen, before he passed away.
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September 2005
September 6, 2005…All day I have been so tired and feel extra rundown. It’s been hard to keep up with everything. When the girls got home from school my spirit lifted and I felt renewed
September 10, 2005…I went to the Dayton Pain Center on Thursday. The doctor ordered shots for my back, 20 visits to physical therapy, and a prescription for ultracet for pain. It is a blessed relief to get a break from the worst of the pain. I was getting so tired and worn out from the pain constantly grating on me.
September 14, 2005…My pain medicine is helping quite a bit. It makes me pretty tired, but less pain is a nice break.
September 21, 2005…The past few days have been rough. Kevin is TDY in New Mexico. I ended up in the ER Monday afternoon due to my stomach. Bethany came over to the ER to sit with me. How amazing is that?! I’ve been so weak and sore since then. Last night Amber brought over 3 freezer meals and lots of other food. I was overwhelmed by her loving service. Kristine came over to help with laundry and went to the store. I am in the midst of a rocky time and Heavenly Father has given me many reminders that I am not alone. What a blessing. It is hard to be too sad when such sweet people are surrounding me. I miss Kevin.
Sierra and I watching the runners in the Air Force Marathon as they ran past our neighborhood. Sept. 2005
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October 2005
October 16, 2005…I am struggling with pain and that leads to my emotions going all over the place. I think I need to talk to someone. I need help coping with pain. Sometimes I am just so overwhelmed as I think of the years ahead.
October 19, 2005…My home is a happy place to be. I feel so comforted and secure here. I’m tired. I hurt.
October 2005...the plantar faciitis in both of my feet made it so hard for me to walk. Kevin had to take the girls trick-or-treating and I stayed home and passed out candy. I dreamed of being able to walk normally again, fearing it would never happen.
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November 2005
November 5, 2005…Yesterday Kirsten had a ‘murder-mystery’ birthday party. It was a great time. All the girls got into their parts…costumes and all. I was left feeling so exhausted and sore. This morning I felt 100% depleted. I had wanted to go hiking but thought there was no way I’d be able to go. I cried. I said and prayer. I didn’t want to be sad. I am not asking God to take away my pain, I just don’t want to be depressed and feel so bad emotionally. I ended up going hiking. I brought a blanket and book thinking I’d stay in the van. But, I did it. We took it nice and easy. And I did it!!! The pain I feel makes me not want to try to do things. It takes away my immediate desires. But once I was up and out I was so thankful that I didn’t miss that wonderful time with my family. Kevin is so loving and supportive. He cheered me on and told me how impressed he was with how well I did. What we have together is magical.
I remember feeling so old and frumpy. It wore me out just getting ready for the day. Here I am with my mom and my youngest sister, Elizabeth.
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December 2005
December 8, 2005…I had my 4th counseling session today. Dr. Mang also had fibromyalgia and is perfect for me to see. She is stressing the importance of patience. I am learning a lot more about this disease. I am very thankful that I chose to see someone.
December 9, 2005…Mom called tonight. She was worried because I sounded so tired. I am wiped out and I hurt terribly.
December 11, 2005…My body is screaming today. Hands, arms, and legs. Kevin had to cut my wedding ring off of my finger. My hands are so sore and swollen and the ring wouldn’t come off. It is a challenge because I love doing things with my hands and right now they are so sore.
Yes....that is a candy cane heart!!! Kevin and I are total cheese-balls. We have so much fun together. He has helped me laugh and smile through so much pain.....exactly what I've needed.
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January 2006
January 3, 2006…I am grateful today for all that Kevin does. He puts so much love into our family. He is a good man to the core.
January 30, 2006…The last weeks have been such a trying time. The pain has been so intense in my head that I wanted to cut out the back of my head to relieve the pressure. Mom came late Thursday night to stay with us and help me out. She took me to the doctor on Friday. I saw Dr. Otero and he was so caring and gentle. After feeling around my head and neck he explained that I have ‘trigger points’ where the pain is emitting from. He injected anesthesia into my neck on either side of the spine. I felt relief from that almost immediately.
Having fun with the kids in my Sunday school class at a Primary activity. Already learning that people will like me for who I am...fun, caring, happy...and not because I am fat or thin.
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February 2006
February 5, 2006…Mom stayed until Thursday. What a comfort and joy it was to have her here. My headache has not returned. I am relieved and grateful…and so happy. My neck and shoulders are tight, but hopefully they will calm down. As I look back on the paste weeks I am so grateful to the Lord for helping me through this very hard time. I hope that in the end I prove faithful. I do understand that going through the refiner’s fire makes us better. I may not enjoy the process, but I am thankful that the Lord never leaves us comfortless.
February 2006
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March 2006
March 27, 2006…My dad is undergoing chemotherapy for leukemia. It was a shock for all of us. He is at St. Francis hospital in Indianapolis. Mom is being strong and supportive. Heavenly Father is blessing them with His spirit and strength.
March 29, 2006…We are now 30 minutes into our drive to our new home in Colorado Springs. It feels great! We have worked so hard packing and loading and getting things we need. It is now the fun part…well, adventurous anyway!
March 2006...saying goodbye to some wonderful friends in Ohio.
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April 2006
April 11, 2006…We’ve been here in Colorado for 2 weeks. Tonight I am feeling so overwhelmed and sad. Everything around me is so new and unfamiliar. My body is exhausted beyond belief. I feel like crying and running back east until I get home. I know that isn’t reasonable, but I’ve just had all I can take for now. Kevin leaves soon for Virginia for a schooling and will be gone for 4 months. I am sad about his going away. I am going to miss him so much.
Having fun at the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo before Kevin left for Virginia for 4 months
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May 2006
May 5, 2006…Moving…such a busy time. Kevin left Wednesday for Ft. Belvoir. My goal while he is gone is getting the house in order. Lily and I are upstairs on my bed. I am so thankful for my puppy. I’d be so sad and lonely without her. I already miss Kevin so much.
May 7, 2006…I woke up feeling sore and worn out. I felt so frazzled and upset. I called Kevin and had a good cry. He is so good. He listens and is a great comfort.
May 8, 2006…My emotions have been all over the map today. I am so lonely for Kevin. This is much harder than I remember any other time being. I’ve cried a lot. This has been the hardest move, so strange since I was so ready to be out here.
May 17, 2006…The girls switch off nights that they sleep with me. That way I never have to be lonely. They are so sweet. Dad went back into the hospital on Monday to do chemo to prepare for his bone marrow transplant.
May 2006...Sierra's 5th grade continuation ceremony.
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July 2006
July 21, 2006...I just finished with an exam at the women's clinic. My uterus, bladder and rectum are prolapsing. I can so some exercises to help strengthen my muscles. I am being referred to a specialist at Ft. Carson to do a consult for surgery. I am praying for peace. I am scared and nervous. The surgery is quite invasive, though the hospital stay is only a couple of days. I will see what the specialist has to say. The doctor prescribed me some Abmien for sleep. The trazadone wasn't helping every night...yet I am buzzing from it all day. She siad the Ambien doesn't leave you feeling strange all day. If I can get some good sleep then I will be more able to get myself together.
July 2006...Kevin loved this picture...actually, he still does!!!
July 24, 2006...12:30 a.m. I am awake. I long to be asleep. The docotr gave me a controlled substance. I had to sign for it at the pharmacy. That won't even keep me asleep. I feel like my body is fighting against me. It is wearing me down. I prayed that I will get back to sleep. I'll read in the Ensign and let myself relax...
July 2006....overweight, but feeling like a look pretty doggone great!
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August 2006
August 16, 2006...I go in for surgery on Monday (bladder re-suspended, uterine hysterectomy, and rectal wall repair). I will be in the hospital for 2 days. Kevin comes home on Saturday!!! The day after surgery Kevin's parents are coming to visit. I say that is one of the tender mercies of the Lord. Having them here to help will take a lot of worries off of my mind. While I am tied up in bed the girls will have Oma and Opa to keep things running smoothly...and Daddy, of course.
At the outdoor range with the family.
August 23, 2006...I am still in the hospital. I had my surgery on Monday. Everything went well. Kevin and the girls have come to visit me. I feel okay. I am very exhausted. Yesterday I tried to pee on my own, but my bladder was still too swollen. I slept pretty good. I just feel run over.
Recovering from surgery....and Kevin right there to keep me smiling.
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September 2006
September 6, 2006...It's been 2 weeks since my surgery. I'd have to say the the recovery has gone very well. I came home with a catheter...got it out last week. I am sore. i imagine that will last for awhile.
Kevin looks at me like I am the greatest thing in the world. How did I get so lucky?
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October 2006
October 17, 2006...Kevin is TDY in San Antonio, Texas. He calls me each day. I miss him so much. My pain level has been so high lately. I am nearly at my wits end. I have been eating so much over the past few days. I know it doesn't actually help me, but when my pain level is high it's like I can eat the house down. Dad has a hemorage in his brain. We are all praying hard for him.
Sewing Halloween costumes for the girls. Taking advantage of a good moment.
October 23, 2006...I am feeling so weighed down with my health. I desparately need my Savior. Because of Him I know I can endure. But there surely is a way to help things to make them more bearable.
October 2006...in spite of it all I truly have many reasons to smile and be joyful.
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December 2006
December 3, 2006...I read in the Book of Mormon about how the Lord allowed the Nephites to wander around the wilderness for many years before it was evne time to start preparing for their sea voyage to the Promised Land. This time allowed them to be tested and strengthened until they were ready to go forward. I thoguht about this examnple and think that during these hard times in life I am being melted down, shaped and molded. Hopefully I will be prepared for the challenges that await me in the future.
My space. Here is where I can scrapbook and be creative.
December 4, 2006...My prayer is that I will take the chance to rest when it comes. And that I will find joy in the things that I am able to do. I'm tired of hoping for some miraculous cure. The Lord will bless me as He will...that I know. I'm just tired of people telling me to 'try this, it will help you' or 'I sell these great vitamins that will cure fibromyalgia' or 'eat this food' 'don't eat that food', etc. I need to learn to live with things as they are...the up AND the downs. I wnat to enjoy life. I want to be there for my family and enjoy doing things with them.
Every December we have a gingerbread house party. One of those traditions I carry on with regardless of how my body is feeling. Seeing my children have fun is all the motivation I need.
December 6, 2006...Yesterday I fell down the bottom 2 steps and bummed up my knee and upper leg. It's actually okay...I just slightly pulled something. Kevin kept telling me tonight how much he loves me and how beautiful I am. He is an amazing man...a wonderful friend and husband. He is my dream come true.
December 9, 2006...I am sooo tired. The neighborhood kids played at our house most of the day. Kevin had to work. Bummer. My bed feels like heaven. Good night!
December 12, 2006...Tomorrow I have an appointment with a rheumatologist in Pueblo. I'm trying not to get excited about it. My heart couldn't take an uneventful visit. These past few years have been like a rollar-coaster ride. What I need is an official diagnosis and some help on how to live and thrive.
December 14, 2006...In order to have a better quality of life I am going to have to exercise. That is the only consistant advise I have been given. I can do it. It's a hard thought. My body feels like it is weighted down. Sometimes I don't know how I'll make it through my next task...but somehow I do. I can't look at the big picture....just take baby steps.
Me and my sweet baby, Lily
December 17, 2006.....A friend called to check on Kirsten after church. The girl then told Kirsten that I was always missing church. I talked to Kirsten about judging others and having compassion. At lunch I included in my prayer that we wouldn't have hard feelings towards those who don't understnad my physical health. Other than to doctors, I've never had to defend my health issues. I cannot allow myself to be discouraged by others lack of knowledge of what I am going through. It totally does get to me, I'd be lying if I said otherwise. But, that is so a part of fibromyalgia. You appear to be completely healthy. No one knows of the unbearable fatigue and pain that always exists in my life. I don't want to (and shouldn't have to) tell everyone my health history in order for them to be a part of my life. I answer to my Heavenly Father. He is the one I am accountalbe to. Through my trials I have learned the danger of judging. I cannot be harsh of others. I have to treat others the way I want to be treated.
December 21, 2006...We have gotten our 2nd blizzard of the season. How fun to be trapped inside with my family I adore them. I am thankful for the peace and contentment I feel inside.
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January 2007
January 3, 2007...Today I made some decisions. Diet and exercise are the 2 things all sources agree on for help in dealing with fibromyalgia. I am going to make better food choices for me and my family.
January 4, 2007...I made the girls breakfast this morning. That made me feel like I had done something important. I lvoe the time spent with each of them.
January 18, 2007...The past couple of weeks have been physically hard. I hurt and am so tired. After my failed attempts to 'cure' myself I am left feeling hopeless. "Try this' "Try that'...I'm done taking suggestions. Other peoples remedies are not working for me. Tuesday I poured my soul out in prayer. I felt so positively alone. I desperately needed to talk to someone. Every person I thought to call seemed wrong. I knew Heavenly Father was waiting patiently for me. He listened. And I promised that I listen to Him. Last night I cried to Kevin. He listened so sweetly and just stroked my head. He reminded me that the best off I have been was when I accepted my health and was making the best of it. As soon as I started looking for a 'cure' I ended up depressed and frustrated.
I will trust the Lord.
January 27, 2007...It's been a painful weekend
January 2007
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March 2007
March 19, 2007...I spent all day with Kristine. My pain level has been so high and it's very hard right now. I really didn't want to be alone. We hung out together. She made us lunch and then I took a nap on her couch. I love her so much...she is an angel.
March 2007...during Spring Break we went for a little hike. I honestly do not know how I did this...other than that my family needed me to have fun with them. It was a great time and is now a sweet memory.
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April 2007
My angel-friend, Kristine
April 2007...me and my sweet girls.
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May 2007
May 2007...I love to cook. It is relaxing, soothing, and as homey as it gets!
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June 2007
June 2007...Elizabeth, Christian, and the girls came to visit us. Here we are at Garden of the Gods.
June 2007...On top of Pikes Peak...a dream of mine come true.
Piano recital...I love to see how the children blossom and develop.
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July 2007
July 21, 2007...Last Saturday, the day we left for Sierra's 'Make-a-Wish' vacation to Disney World, we had to put Lily down. She had injured her back and was paralized and in immense pain. Kevin and I were right htere with her until she was finally gone. I covered up her precious body with my fluffy blue snowman blanket. The sobs racked my body. I had never felt such pain and sorrow. My baby was gone. No longer my little companion on earth. I told her to be there to greet me when I die. I think my Grandma Martha will take care of her for me...that's what I feel. The emptiness I feel without my sweet Lily is immeasurable. She was always close by my side. When I scrapbooked she would lay at my feet. When I sat on the couch she would find a comfy place and cuddle up to me. At night she would always lick my legs before she fell asleep while i would read my book. Oh, so many cherished memories. She was so good to me. I will always miss her. It will be a sweet, heavenly reunion when we meet again.
July 2007...Disney World. I had always wanted to be on this ride, "It's A Small World". I was so happy to enjoy this magical experience with Kevin and the girls.
July 2007....here I am, 250 pounds. I have finally learned to love myself on the inside. I realized that I could be this weight for the rest of my life. I couldn't stand the thought of being unhappy forever. So, I started geting ready from head to toe each day. I remember putting on my size 24 jeans and thinking that I looked pretty hot!!!
July 22, 2007...Today we rescued a 7 year-old dachshund from the Humane Society. Her name is Maggie. She has been sniffing around the house, checking things out. I think she is going to liek us. She is a little nervous, but I'de have to say that she has been fantastic. We have some bonding to do, but I am sure we will grow close. It feels good knowing that we have given her a safe home to be in.
Maggie....adoption day!!!
July 27, 2007...nearly a week has passed since Maggie came into our lives. She has made herself at home and she knows who her mama is. She follows me around the house...I LOVE that! She is cuddley and sweet. She is so eager to please. It has been a tough week. I'm so tired and the I've had a lot of pain. What can I do but take a muscle relaxer and take it easy?
July 29, 2007...Painful day...no church for me. Kevin leaves for TDY in Washington DC.
Always having a good time with my sweetheart!
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August 2007
August 5, 2007...The pain has been bad lately. I feel like I'm in such a rut. When it gets this bad I loss touch with whether my body hurts so bad or if it's all in my head because my mood goes so far down. I want to feel good. I want to be well. My family is so wonderful. They are sweet and loving and never make me feel bad about what I am not able to do. I am blessed.
August 9, 2007...I am feeling down. I feel so overwhelmed. My surgeon isn't going to be able to do the gastric by-pass surgery because the ICU is shutting down at the base hospital. The referral to see a civilian is going to be processed. This is going to be a slower process. I am SO frustrated. I feel mad and depressed. I was counting on this surgery. and now I don't know what's going to happen.
August 10, 2007...So, I had a good cry with Kevin...and then with Paula. It's okay to be bummed that things are going as I planned. Now it's time to dry the tears and move forward. What do I need to do to maintain balance in my life? Baby steps.
August 2007...I was overweight, but I felt happy inside. Kevin once told me, "It's all about the attitude." That statement struck me with such force. My dear husband was telling me to not worry about how I thought I looked...that he just wanted me to enjoy my time with him. And I trusted him. And it proved to be true. He could touch me and I knew he loved me. I let go of my self-induced inhibitions and allowed myself to feel good about myself. I will never be a super-model. But, you know what??? I don't want to be or need to be. My husband doesn't want that. Yours really doesn't either. He wants that kind of confidence that they portray. You can do that! The first step....no more negative thinking. Eleminate negative thoughts from your life. When you think badly about yourself...tell yourself to 'stop it!'. It gets easier the more you do it. AND....next...do not compare yourself to others. Just like I can't be Tyra Banks...you can't be me, or your mom, or that lady who works at the perfume counter. You don't need to be. The world needs you.
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continues on next post....
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